


Break My Mirror

by Eternal_Love_Song



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Character Study, Gen, Implied/Referenced Mind Control, Introspection
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-09-16
Updated: 2014-09-16
Packaged: 2018-02-17 14:39:30
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,557
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2313128
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Eternal_Love_Song/pseuds/Eternal_Love_Song
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Natasha stared into her own cold eyes and she couldn't remember when she became this. She couldn't remember she lost everything. She couldn't remember when she forgot who she was. She couldn't remember what it was like to want things, to have earnest desires and earnest friends and real relationships.</p><p>She couldn't remember Natasha Romanov.</p><p>"I don't know what you want."</p>
            </blockquote>





	Break My Mirror

She was standing in the place she hated most with her one and only friend.

"I don't know what you want," She said aloud, but she received no answered. Because there was no one around that could answer her. Her only friend was silence and the place she hated was anywhere she was alone with a mirror. She stared into the reflective surface as if she expected it to speak to her, but it never did unless she spoke first.

She ended up here after every mission, staring herself down. But she didn't know what she was looking for and she didn't know how to find it.

 

* * *

 

"Do you know what it's like to have everything you are pulled out of you?"

"You know I do," She answered, because there was no other answer she could give. There was nothing inside of her anymore, and if hadn't been pulled out of her someone along the way, then that meant she had lost it herself, and she wasn't ready to face that possibility.

Like most of her team, she hated Loki.

Anyone would hate the villain that invaded their world with war and death. But she hated him much before that. More than being a villain, more than having taken Barton away from her. She looked at Loki and she saw something. Someone who'd had themselves pulled out. Someone who'd lost something. But he had found something to put in it's place.

Loki had anger to keep him from being empty. Natasha had nothing.

 

* * *

 

"Don't you ever get tired of it?"

And she had to smile, because the answer was yes and the answer was no. She was tired of not knowing who she was or what she wanted. She was tired of playing at being 'Natalie' or 'Natasha' or 'Agent Romanov' when she was really none of these things. (When she was really all of these things.) But she also never wanted to stop. Because take that away from her and what was she?

 

* * *

 

She had stared at Loki on the other side of his glass cage and he stared back and he knew. That wide smirk was taunting her, tormenting her, and it was only the worse that he did not speak of it.

 _"I know what you are,"_ That grin said, _"And you are nothing."_

And she hated him, because no matter what he was, he was not ' _nothing._ ' He was not empty.

"Love is for children," She'd told him.

And the look on Loki's face responded, _"You are a child."_

 

* * *

 

Natasha stared into her own cold eyes and she couldn't remember when she became this. She couldn't remember when she lost everything. She couldn't remember when she forgot who she was. She couldn't remember what it was like to want things, to have earnest desires and earnest friends and real relationships.

She couldn't remember Natasha Romanov.

 

* * *

  
She played at being open with Steve, because he didn't look for ulterior motives and she could just mimic him until she got it right. Steve wanted to believe in her, so he didn't look for lies. It was strange trying to mimic someone with no end goal, but she played her part well.

She knew what it looked like to act like a friend. She knew what it looked like to act earnest. She knew what it looked like to be honest.

It was a poor look on her, but it's what Steve wanted, so she gave it to him.

And if he mistook her awkwardness for sincerity, all the better.

 

* * *

  
Stark was a child and expected to be scolded, to be teased, to have the disapproval of those around him. It was easy to handle Stark.

It was easy to disapprove and act uncaring or unkind.

It was easy to respond to someone so easy to read.

So the one time he said to her, "You know if you ever wanna talk, I've got enough bottles for the both of us." She almost couldn't hold her surprise. She remembered that Stark could be perceptive when he wanted to be.

But he didn't pry. And she didn't talk. And they continued as if the entire thing didn't happen.

 

* * *

  
Dr. Banner was much more difficult to read, but he was also much more difficult engage.

He avoided them all and sometimes he went off the grid all together.

And she was never again called to be the one to go after him.

She didn't know what the doctor wanted. She probably never would.

 

* * *

  
"Red looks good on you, you know," Loki said to her one day. Which was wrong, because he was suppose to be locked up in Asgard, not walking around on Earth. And it was wrong because she was suppose to be alone in her room. And it was wrong because she wasn't wearing red.

She turned to face him and his eyes lingered at her sides before lifting to her eyes with that manic grin of hers and she understood.

Of all the reasons it was wrong (and he wanted it to be wrong), it was wrong because he was talking about her hands.

"I'd say the same, but red is Thor's color isn't it?" She replied and the grin dropped off his face right away. He frowned at her and she let herself smile in return, though she didn't feel it.

There was nothing to feel.

"If you wanted company," He gestured to the mirror and she glanced toward it out the corner of her eye, seeing her reflection still facing forward, her lips moving, "it's easily arranged."

"I don't want company," Natasha replied.

"Of course not," Her reflection said. "You only want to talk to yourself. But what is there to say?"

"I don't want to play games, Loki."

He laughed then, a tight bark of laughter that was neither pleasant or kind. "Of course not, little spider. You don't want anything." He stepped closer. "But you could." 

He held his hand out and the staff appeared in his hand, the light blue orb lighting up the dimness of her room.

He studied her a moment before speaking. "I made a mistake last time, choosing Barton," He told her. "I would obviously have much better results if I had you."

"You think I'm going to let you touch me with that without a fight?" She answered.

"A fight of a different kind, I think," he replied almost nonchalantly as he observed his scepter instead of her."It won't be like what I did to Barton."

"Oh?" Her voice was skeptical, but she made no moves to run or to fight.

"Yes. Unlike Barton, there's nothing to take out, is there? Only infinite room for me to out something in." He looked up at her then, his smile charming now. "Isn't that what you want, little spider?"

"You have no idea what I want."

"I'd wager neither do you."

Natasha clenched her fist at her side and ground her teeth. She hated Loki and this was exactly why. She hated that he could see through her, because there was nothing on the inside. She hated that he was broken and yet still filled. That he'd been torn apart and so had she, but only one of them had pulled something together to stick the pieces inside.

Barton had made her an offer when he was sent to kill her and she'd taken. He told her she could clear her ledger and she jumped on the opportunity. Because no one else had told her what she wanted. They told her what to do and where to go, but never what she wanted. Barton had given her something to play off of, someone to be.

Loki had asked her, _"Can you really wipe out that much red?"_

And the answer was no. It had always been no. She'd always known that it was no.

But everyone else wanted her to pretend the answer was yes.

Loki didn't want to pretend.

Loki didn't care that she was empty. Likely preferred it that way.

Loki was the only person that was going to put something in, instead of just handing over a mirror and telling her act.

"It's a one time offer, girl," Loki told her, voice slightly harder. His patience likely wearing thin. "Something or nothing, your choice."

But that was the trick, wasn't it? The catch?

Because she didn't know what she wanted only what others wanted for her, and the she responded accordingly.

Loki's smile told her that he understood his own trick. He was a master of them, after all. In a way, it was the perfect trick. Because no matter what she chose, she would still have nothing. The only question was would she sell her soul to pretend.

And the answer was yes, of course she would. She pretended all the time for everyone else, why not pretend for Loki? Because whether she knew it was pretend or not, she would still be filled with something in the end.

You couldn't wipe out that much red, but you could completely cover the white.

He stepped forward and she met his eyes.

"You'll likely regret this," She told him, but it wasn't a threat.

"You won't," He promised.

Loki said she looked good in red, but she wondered how she looked in blue.


End file.
